HINTS ARE THERE TO BE TAKEN... THAT IS JUST FACT

Dear single dudes,

I am trying to help you out here, so please listen up. 

If you meet a girl and you go out a couple of times and according to you it’s going well, please try and read the signals she is giving you. If said girl then starts to put off meeting up, not plan any more outings with you and then stops responding to your texts- take this as a hint to back off. She’s not interested. If she was interested, she would be responding to you and suggesting times to meet up. She would find things to text you about. 

If after a week of not responding to your texts, she then says to you ‘It’s been fun but I don’t think I’m on the same page as you’, this is her saying thanks but no thanks. This is her saying I’m trying to be nice here, I’m even trying to make it my fault, but I’m obviously not interested. It’s fairly direct, there is not too much to interpret here. 

DO NOT THEN CONTINUE TEXTING HER. 

Definitely don’t say you understand and then wait a week and out of the blue ask if she would like a massage. There is nothing about this that isn’t creepy...

Your pal (and nothing more),

Lorin

FEEL LIKE YOU COULD RUN A MARATHON BUT HAVEN'T SLEPT FOR DAYS?

This my friend is anxiety. It's shit. It serves no purpose other than constantly reminding you that something is off and guess what, you don't know what that is. Most times it is useless, sometimes it can help you sort your shit out. A lot of the time it's terrifying as you don't know what's going on and if feels like something awful is on it's way. One thing that is for sure is that it will pass, it always does, so don't stress about it. Yes, it may come back for another reason, but this will eventually pass too, you just have to find ways to process it and address it...
Unless of course, you have taken ice and killed someone and now don't know what to do with the body. This anxiety and danger is real and you probably should pay attention to it. Maybe find a safe house and lay low for a while.

AS A KID I HAD A VERY REAL FEAR I WAS A DWARF

I’m not the tallest individual and I never have been. You’ve seen me. In school I was always in the front row for photos, the front of the line for 'shortest to tallest' (why did they do that so much when you were a kid?) and always denied entry to the rides I really wanted to go on that everyone else could. Everyone around me kept having growth spurts and I thought I must be due for one soon. Then one day mum and I went to the shops and I saw my very first dwarf... It was terrifying. I had now seen my fate. I was so scared that I didn’t even ask mum about him, I was that certain she was going to respond “he’s just like you.” For three years I kept this secret to myself.

Later, when I was in my last year of primary school, a doctor (just to be clear- someone with a medical degree) asked if I was starting school this year. Like, from scratch. Like I was 5 years old and not the grand age of 12. Mum had to reassure me and explained that he just doesn’t spend much time with children to be able to guess that sort of thing. Mum.... dude.... he’s a GP, he sees plenty of whipper snappers, no need to cushion the blow. 

That was that, I was going to be a dwarf. I resigned myself to the fact that I would just have to use my brain more and that really pissed me off. Fuck all y’all who have good looks and physical abilities. I would have to try. 

Luckily for me I grew 6 inches in two months, so by 13, I was a decent height- the height that I now am. Shut up.

Anyway, my point is this... I was not blessed with the tall gene. I’m the little one. Had I been given the tall gene I actually think I would have turned out to be a different person... Gone would be the ninja who can cut through a crowd with the grace and speed of a jungle cat. Gone would be the feisty remarks and quick wit from the girl with the chips balanced equally on each shoulder. Gone would be the lovely gestures of strangers helping me reach/see/do things I can’t do unassisted. 

I will never be able to see the band playing at a gig. I will always have to have my jeans taken up.... Whatever your lot, it makes you. Embrace it or you’ll pickle yourself.

THINGS THAT GRIND MY GEARS #2: DRIVERS WHO DON'T WAVE

I get that traffic can be bad, it can be fine, whatever the case maybe, there is always someone wishing to merge in front of your or cut in. You let this person do that, not because you necessarily have to, but because you thought you wouldn't be a dick. NOTHING ANNOYS ME MORE THAN SOMEONE NOT WAVING OR ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR GESTURE OF LETTING THEM IN. It's just common courtesy. I thought maybe I was the only one that got especially angry at this, but my friend Nollsie tells me I'm not alone...
 Who do you think you are? Are you too important to simply wave thank you? How did your mother raise you? 
9 times out of 10 I'm sure they just think other drivers are aggressive, well guess what Einstein? We were all quite calm before you cut in. Work it out, arsehole.

LIFE IS NOT A ROM-COM

If the movies were to be believed, my life would be very different right now. By now, my Matthew McConaughey type boyfriend would have grown a pair, realised the error of his ways and made some grand gesture to win me over and forgive him for his trivial mistake he made earlier in the film/ I mean, our life. 

And yet here we are... My wise friend Pi put this into context for me (she is a genius by the way, but it’s true), LIFE IS NOT A ROMANTIC COMEDY. Plain and simple.

Nora Ephron did not write the script for us... we should not expect things to work out neatly tied up in a pretty bow. When things fall apart, they do for a reason. While you want to hang onto the idea of things working out, they may, or they may never again. If you’re single and you’re looking for someone, expecting the next person you meet to be ‘the one’ or somewhat perfect for you, is probably not realistic or healthy. Expecting some poor guy to fall over backwards and give some grand gesture to ask you out is most likely not going to happen... especially if that male happens to be Australian (sorry, but it’s true, it's not how we do things). 

Some people are not ready to be in a relationship and yet get into them anyway. Some people are emotionally retarded and will never give you what you need. Some people will hurt you badly and they will never actually get any sort of pay back.  

As much as it pains me to say it, I am not Meg Ryan and neither are you. Expecting your life to work out that way is a disservice to yourself. One thing you can try to do is have the confidence and security of the lead character and know when to call it a day. You may get to be pleasantly surprised and things do work out, but it’s best to take things for what they are, not what you want them to be or what the movies have you believe they will be, because you’ll be chasing a dragon. 

Hopefully your reality works out to be better than any cheesy movie anyway. Fuck Hollywood.

YOU DON'T JUDGE OTHERS FOR WHAT THEY HAVE... WHAT MAKES YOU SO SPECIAL?

Hypothetical: Your friend has travelled the world, is single, has found a job she likes and doesn't have her own house. 

Do you:
A) Think she should be a little more concerned with her current situation, because really, who are you if you don't have a boyfriend/husband and you rent? Honestly, she should end it all now
B) Would tell her that you're not angry, just a bit disappointed. At this point in her life you would have expected a bit more from her. Maybe if she knuckles down a bit she might just achieve something, or 
C) Think this person is probably just needs a bit of perspective... come back to reality honey, there are people dying of aids in Africa. 

If you went with A or B, you've changed and I would go as so far as to say are a douche-canoe. No one has everything, so why do you expect it of yourself? 
Rein those expectations in buddy.

THINGS THAT GRIND MY GEARS #1: PEOPLE WHO CAN’T USE A FOOTPATH

Footpaths exist everywhere, they are not a new invention and I can 100% guarantee that everyone has used one before. Why oh why must people then feel like they own all the space, ALL THE SPACE, when using them? So, I have some tips for those of you who cannot comprehend the concept of sharing.

1.   If walking with a group of two or more people, you will have to change formations when coming across people in the other directions. Do not hold three abreast, it’s rude. Someone/a few of you drop back to let others past.

2. If you’re in a couple, don’t walk with your arms around each other. It’s awkward and it looks that way. Holding hands still tells the world that you’re together and also allows you movement to accommodate others.

3. Depending on what part of the world that you come from, pick the side you use to drive in and stick to it. If in Australia, walk to the left hand side, if in the States, walk to the right. It works for everyone, you don’t need to do an awkward dance.

4. If you are a slow walker, once again pick a side and allow others to pass.

5. Stopping suddenly. I get this has to happen at points- you’ve forgotten something, your phone is ringing and you have to find it in your bag. For the love of god, move to the side to work it out. The middle of the walkway is not the place to do this.

6. Stopping on stairs. Technically still a walkway, don’t stop in the middle of a stair well or at the bottom of it to have a conversation. People still need to go up and down, don’t make them have to walk around as well. If they have to ask you to move, you’re being a douche.

Seriously people, it’s just common sense.